Pet Stains

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm stressed.

Ever since that long drive back from North Carolina last week, I have been exhausted, constantly on the go.  My to do list is never ending. I just can't seem to finish anything.

A bunch of things are going wrong, too.

CAT ENEMY

When I'm doing road gigs, I sell shirts after my shows. I keep a bunch of those shirts in my closet here in Austin. When I got back from North Carolina, I noticed a stain on one of those shirts.  It looked like a coffee stain.  However, after smelling it, I realized it was cat pee.  Upon looking closer, I found my roommate's cat had urinated 29 of my shirts.  I had to throw those shirts out.  Arrgh!  I want to pee on that cat, see how he likes it!

PHONE FRITZ

My phone is on the fritz too. My HTC Thunderbolt has been overheating then spontaneously freezing.  It gets hot so it freezes.  That doesn't make any sense! My phone shuts down just when I need it most.  That may not seem like a big deal, but my phone is also my GPS.  It has been locking up right when I am supposed to get off the highway & follow nine more complicated directions- usually when I am also running late!  So, since I don't have total recall, I have to pull over and wait for it to reboot.  Great.  Thanks, HTC!  Your phone is garbage.  Whoever designed your stupid HTC Thunderbolt should get zapped by lightning.

WELTS

I could go on & on about why I am stressed. I won't, though.  That's just making me more stressed. 

The point is when I got back from Houston yesterday, all I wanted to do was sit in the chair and watch some Netflix.  Unfortunately, though, after sitting there for only 5 minutes I realized my legs have a galaxy of welts!  My legs are covered in itchy, red welts. Then I saw them: fleas.  A horde of parasites scampering around their new prize! The same cat who peed on 29 of my comedy t-shirts also brought FLEAS into my house.  If you knew me 5 years ago, when I had bed bugs, then you know I deal well with bugs.  I just about lost my mind.  I didn't sleep well for a month.  My eyes sunk in to my face like quicksand.

HOME DEPOT

Yesterday when I got back from Houston, I should have been sitting in the recliner eating snacks, decompressing while expanding my gut.  Instead, I was off to Home Depot to get bug bombs.  I had to listen to 3 different employees tell contradicting tales about which spray or bug bomb or carpet dirt to get.  They all seemed so confident.  Just tell me which one, guys!  I don't want a lesson.  I want the answer!

POISON

I bug bombed my apartment. When you bug bomb, you have to shelter your food. You have to hide your dishes. I had to leave for several hours.  Then when you get back, you have to vacuum the whole place.  Vacuuming helps catch any pupa hiding in your carpet. I came back around midnight.  I cleaned for an hour.  I did my laundry. You have to clean your laundry!  You can't wear poison clothes!  Finally, I went to bed at 3am, hoping to not see any more bugs.  

Today, I have seen a handful of fleas- or should I say a leg-ful?  Whatever.  The bug bombs didn't kill of them.  That's the point.  That's the point.  The point is I still have a few fleas, desperate to rebuild their colony.

I also found 4 squirming roaches.  The poison made them crawl out of hiding. By the way, down here, roaches are not a dirty apartment thing.  Roaches are just part of the Texas experience.  They are dead now.

The point is, the point is, the point is, the point is, the point is, I just want to punch the wall.

WATCH IT

So, to wrap up this entry, I'm on edge right now.  Please don't ask me any technical questions.  Please don't tell me I owe you money.  Please don't cut me off or drive slow in the fast lane. Please, whatever happens, DO NOT let me see that crapface cat!  Simply put, just go out of your way to avoid inconveniencing me, or I will literally explode- brain and guts in the street!

Bye!  I'm Jake!

P.S. I just want to sleep.

Jealousy

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Today, I found an essay I wrote myself back in 2005 when Josh Blue started getting some heat in Denver.  At the time, I was just a lowly open mic-er.  Josh was winning some contests.  Comedy Works was giving him a bunch of sets. Now, Josh is famous as hell.  He won Last Comic Standing Season 4.  He has a Comedy Central Presents.  His new Showtime special just aired.  You can go to any major city in this country & chances are he has headlined their best club. Things are going well. Congrats, Josh!  As for my career?  Well, I am not rich.  I am not famous.  But I have been a full-time comedian since 2007.  That means I don't have a job. It also means I do gigs all over the country & I pay my bills- barely.

Now, I have seen a ton of other comedians from Denver, Seattle, the Twin Cities, Austin, & all the scenes I frequent who have success stories similar to Josh's.  I can easily name 15 comedians I've worked with (even open mic-ed with) whose careers are now way more kick-ass than mine (in no particular order): Josh Blue, Ben Roy, Ben Kronberg, Collin Moulton, Adam Norwest, Adam Cayton Holland, John Tole, John Novosad, Ramin Nazer, Rob Gleeson, Shane Mauss, Andy Erickson, Susan Jones, Andrew Orvedahl, Billy Wayne Davis, Matt Golightly, & so on & so forth.  

NOTE: These are just the first 15 comedians who came to mind.  There are a bajillion other comedians who have better careers than me.

All the aforementioned comedians are funny.  I wouldn't take a thing from them.  Chances are, though, I was jealous of each them at some point.  That was stupid of me.  There is a reason each of these comedians is successful.  Instead of being jealous, it is way better to find out what they are doing right (& wrong) & apply that to your strategy.

This entry is all about jealousy.  Below is the original essay I wrote to myself (with a couple minor modifications).

"Jealousy"

08/26/05

JEALOUSY IS A WASTED EMOTION:

There's a lot of jealousy in this business.  Typically that's a wasted emotion.  Somebody is always doing better than you. Especially if you're me.

Lao Tzu says in the Tao Te Ching: "The Sage... does not compete. Hence no one can compete with him."  Good point.  We all have our own path.  Don't waste breaths putting yourself down & wishing you were on somebody else's path.  Putting yourself down will just unmotivate you.  Wishing you were on somebody else's path is a waste of time.  It's not going to happen.

If you try to compete with others, if you compare your career to somebody else's career, you will drive yourself insane.  You are where you are because of ability, past efforts, ambition, & yes, luck.  

You might also be where you are because that is where you need to be.  Maybe your life needs to suck so you can be creative.  Adversity inspires creativity.  Don't get me wrong: it's way easier to get your comedy career going if you are already rich and/or your dad is some famous Hollywood guy.  Rich people can skip doing one-nighters to pay their bills.  They can afford to fly to random showcases. They can take a loss & still put food on their table.  As Zanies booker Bert Haas will tell you, they have "f--k you money." If a booker offers them a gig for crappy money or at a crappy location, they can tell that booker "F--k you!"

But, for us middle to lower class comics with no "f--k you money," with no pull whatsoever, we have to use that frustration & jealousy to put the pen to the paper. Necessity, the threat of homelessness & starvation, forces us to either better our acts or get some lame-o shoe sales job.. 

GOOD JEALOUSY VERSUS BAD JEALOUSY:

First, there's the kind of jealousy that motivates you to do better.  "Wow! That guy is doing well. I want to do well. I should work harder!"

Then, there's the bad kind of jealousy: "Wow!  That guy's doing well!  What a jerk!  I can't believe he's always trying to improve!  Time to dig another hole in the desert."  Bad jealousy makes you badmouth your friends.  Your friends then hear about this.  Guess what: you aren't friends anymore!  If they liked you & you spent your time getting better instead of being a jerk, they could have taken you on the road.  That's not going to happen now!

THINK ABOUT IT FROM YOUR SUCCESSFUL FRIEND'S POINT OF VIEW:

Be honest: if you were in your successful friend's shoes, & you knew that your success made your friends uncomfortable, would you 

• A) stop what you are doing to make you successful just so your friend feels better about their failing career 

or 

• B) stop hanging out with that mopey, jealous friend?  

It's an easy answer: You'd  choose B, stop hanging out with the mope- then go hang out with your fun, positive friends.  Maybe even give them a leg up.  Or, maybe you'd just go out & get more successful friends.

In short, don't be jealous, gang.  Especially, don't be jealous of me.  That would be extremely stupid.

Bye!  I'm Jake!

Soiled Bedding Nightmare

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I left Austin on February 9th & I don't get back until April 8th.  Long trip!  This is my last super-long road trip.  Sometimes I go away a couple months & all my friends are different.  They have new jokes. They have beards.  They've appeared on TV.  Guys with new jokes & beards are big on TV!

One thing that gets a little tricky when I travel, though, is having nights off.  Any night I am doing a gig, the club or bar or whatever will set me up with a place to stay.  They usually put me in a comedy condo or a hotel.  However, every now & then, when I go on a long trip, I have 3-4 nights where I am off.  That is super-lame.  Instead of getting paid & having a free place to stay, I am not getting paid & I have to pay for a place to stay.  Why be on the road any day that you are losing money?

I had a bunch of days off last week, Sunday through Thursday. I was down in Iowa- where there isn't really a ton of stage time. Fortunately, The Twin Cities, Minneapolis/ St. Paul, was only a few hours out of my way.  I love going up there.  Great scene. Tons of fun comedians.  The gas roundtrip cost me about 70 bucks. I had to find some lodging & some stage time.  This story is all about how a guy who doesn't plan well might not get the best sleep.

PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE

My dad always tells me prior planning prevents poor performance.  If I had planned on coming to the Twin Cities even a couple days before actually going there, I could have easily found a couch for the week.  Instead, I stayed at a hodgepodge of places- with mixed results.

If you've been reading my blog the past couple years, you probably know I am on couchsurfing.org, a great resource for travelers who don't want to get a hotel but do want an adventure.  You search the area for local couchsurfers, check out their profiles, then make a request to stay on their couch. I have couchsurfed with 16 hosts in several cities (Seattle, Dallas, Boston, Tucson, Columbus, Ohio & several more).

The thing is, you have to make a couchsurf request in a timely fashion.  You should give your potential host(s) as much notice as possible. If you ask somebody Sunday if you can crash at their place on Sunday, they might not have time to respond!

At 10am, on Sunday, I started browsing Minneapolis profiles. Usually, I browse several profiles then make 2 to 5 requests.  Since, this was extremely last-minute, I made 10 requests.  Even still, I didn't get any responses on Sunday. I wasn't surprised.  So, I was heading up there with no place to stay.

A SHOW PLUS PRICELINE = A BED

Fortunately, my buddy/ a really funny comedian Patrick Bauer helped me get a paid set in Coon Rapids, Minnesota.  It wasn't a regular gig, just a 15-minute showcase set. The host/ coordinator for the show, comedian Corey Adam, threw me a few bucks. I sold a couple CDs there too. Between the CD sales & the cash from the show, I had enough money to get on Priceline and find a hotel in Burnsville, Minnesota- 50 minutes away from Coon Rapids.

Thanks, Patrick!  Thanks, Corey!  Thanks, guys who bought my CD! I had a place to stay Sunday night because of all you folks.

I got to my hotel at 1:30 a.m. Check-out was at 11 a.m. However, the hotel let me have a late check-out at noon.  I also stayed in the breakfast area until about 1:30, writing, working on jokes.

COUCHSURFING IN IOWA

So, I had a place to stay Sunday night.  Now, if I could just figure out where I'd stay the rest of the week.  Friday & Saturday night, I had shows in Cedar Falls, Iowa.  I had a place to stay those nights.  Also, a couchsurfer from Cedar Falls got back to me.  She said I could stay down there for the week. However, I was already up in the Twin Cities Sunday night when I got her response.  So, I asked if I could crash with her & her roommates Thursday night.  She said yes.

A BUDDY'S COUCH IS A DIRTY COUCH

Cool. All I had to do now was find a place or 2 to stay Monday through Thursday.  Fortunately, Corey told me I could stay at his place.  He told me it was a little messy. No big deal.  I am a little messy too. Monday night, after going to the Corner Bar open mic, I dropped Patrick Bauer off at his place.  It was snowing a bit. Patrick said I could crash at his place.  However, I already had plans to crash at Corey's.  Plus, Patrick's basement is a bit smoky. I didn't really feel like sleeping in smoke.  Corey's kind of messy place sounded fine.

It took me 15 minutes to drive through the snow to Corey's.  His apartment was a disaster area.  As my dad says, it "looked like a bomb went off in here."  Corey and his sister were in there just hanging out.  I told them it looked like an episode of Hoarders, a popular reality TV show.  Corey's sister scoffed "Oh, it's not that bad."  Yes it was!  Stacks of clutter filled the room.

Corey showed me the couch I could sleep on.  It was a love seat.  I am 6 foor 2 inches.  That love seat was probably 4 feet wide.  That's a bad fit.

My dirty love seat bed.

The view from my dirty love seat bed.

He cleared off a dirty ottoman & told me if I slept at an angle & put my feet on the ottoman, I'd be comfortable. Comfortable? Yes.  Clean?  Not quite.

His sister was sleeping just to the left, behind some other crap.

He told me his sister sleeps in the same living room.  However, I couldn't see her from the love seat because there was a stack of clutter in the way.

AN EVEN DIRTIER BEDROOM

Corey also told me they had a downstairs bedroom. Cool!  Let's check that out!  We descended into what looked like the Blair Witch's Cleaning Project.  Their basement was filthy.
Piles of grime, pennies, nails, and cigarette butts everywhere.

He took me back to the "bedroom."  Apparently 2 people had lived in that room & moved out since they last vacuumed. The carpet was a dingy, tannish blue.  You could see where the furniture used to be because that part was bright blue.

A dirty basement montage.

Filthy basement pile.

Corey suggested I take a couple of the couch cushions and plop them into this dirty hole of a bedroom.

I will pay you $200 to lick this floor.  That will totally screw up my checking account, but I will give you $200 to lick this floor.

No thanks!  No thanks.  I chose the dirty upstairs love seat instead.  I was already sleeping on 1 dirty thing.  Why sleep on 2 dirty surfaces?

Also, do you see that? He has a copy of The Transporter.  Both he & his floor have bad taste.

DIRTY SLEEP IS BAD SLEEP

Corey ordered a pizza.  Thanks, dude!

After eating pizza, we watched a bunch of bad TV on his broken projection TV.  The TV screen showed the same images in green, red & yellow.  Each of those images was slightly warped.

Eventually, around 2:00 a.m., I had to crash. Corey went to his room to play video games.  I tossed & turned on my dirty love seat bed.

At 5:30 a.m., I woke to Corey yelling loudly.  He had been up all night playing online video games.  He was yelling at a buddy. He had his headset on so he had no idea how loudly he was yelling. I sent him a text message, "Hi Corey."

He came out and asked if he was being too loud.  I said "No big deal." Shoot.  It was his house.  I certainly didn't want to make him feel bad. Corey's a cool dude.  Video games are fun.  I was just super exhausted.

I slept another hour. At 6:30, I woke up.  I couldn't fall back asleep.  I couldn't go another night like this either. I was an exhausted, dirty mess! At 10:00 a.m., I got on Priceline again. I had to go.

I didn't even take a shower in their dirty shower.  I just left.

Here is what a dirty shower
looks like.

Another angle of the dirty
shower.

What my face looks like in a dirty shower.

CAN'T TAKE THIS!  ANOTHER HOTEL

On my Priceline app for my Droid, I made a bid for a $25 hotel.  Priceline added a $9 processing fee.  I got a hotel for Tuesday night.  Priceline doesn't tell you where you are staying until they complete the transaction. It turns out the place I was staying Tuesday night was the same hotel I stayed at in Burnsville. Sweet!  Pillowtop beds here I come!  I called the LivInn Suites where I'd be staying & asked how early I could check in. They said they had a room now.  They said they would normally charge a $25 early check-in fee, but because I was a returning customer, they'd waive that fee. Sweet!  Suite!

In contrast to Corey's place, here are some serene, clean pictures of the Burnsville LivInn Suites I stayed at- again.

Where is all the clutter?

A pillowtop bed is way more soothing than a soiled couch.

What's this?  A clean shower?  How is that possible?

CONCLUSION

I ended up at Patrick's place the final night of my stay in the Twin Cities.  It was smoky, but it was also free.  Plus, Patrick is super-chill to hang out with. 

Look at my relaxed face- or else

Also, Corey was super-chill.  He just has a filthy place.  You're probably wondering what kind of a douche just goes & posts pictures of his friend's filthy place?  Well, I asked Corey in advance & he said it was cool. That shows you I have the balls to ask & Corey is a super-laid-back dude. He told me he didn't care because all that mess was pretty much his filthy, jobless sister's clutter. 

A lot more things happened in the Twin Cities:

• I hung out with a ton of great comedians & met new friends at the Reapies, the Twin Cities' annual stand-up comedy awards show. 
• I worked on some jokes at the Joke Joint Comedy Club comedy workshop. I was having trouble with 1 of my bits & those guys helped a ton. 
• I interviewed Shannon Thompson & Patrick Bauer for The Battery Podcast. Those episodes will come out later this week.

Anyhow, Thursday afternoon, I drove through a snowstorm to Cedar Falls, Iowa.  I stayed with 3 lovely hosts. They have a super clean, smoke free place.  I had hot tea & biscuits.  Thanks, ladies!

I can't wait to come back to the Twin Cities.  Next time, I will plan it a lot better.

Bye!  I'm Jake!

Tainted Lady Shirts!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

A couple weeks ago, I worked the Loony Bin Comedy Club in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Fun room!  Had 6 great crowds.

Worked with a super-cool comedian, Tim Homayoon.  Tim and I really hit it off.  I interviewed Tim for The Battery Podcast. Most of my interviews for The Battery end up at around 30 minutes.  Tim's interview ended up at about 49:30 minutes. We had an event-filled week, though, so we had a lot to cover.  We also talked about Tim's weird version of lactose intolerance, and how at one of his shows- he walked his dad!  I also talk about about something bad that happened after the Friday 1st show.

The Battery Podcast episode 21, Bloody Ice Cream Time Warp,  is a great podcast episode. So, I hope you check that out.  However, this blog entry focuses on the bad thing that happened in between Friday's 2 shows.

DANTE'S JOURNAL
Most comedy clubs have a condo where they put up their comedians for the week.  A comedian named Dante has been leaving journals at various comedy condos. Comedians working the club can write in the journals. Eventually, Dante hopes to publish the entries as a book.  I don't know Dante personally, but he has a reputation as a good guy & a great comedian.  Plus, we work a lot of the same rooms- so he must be good!

Anyhow, I bring up Dante's journals because he left one at the Oklahoma City Loony Bin's comedy condo.  I also wrote a version of this story in his journal. Maybe you'll see this in a book someday.  Maybe it will end up in a fireplace.

INEXPLICABLE RED STAINS
1/30/12 10:56 A.M. Mountain Standard Time

You can get the blood-free version of these sweet
"Don't look at my boobs, perv! Bye bye." shirts
at jakeisfantastic.com/store.html

On Saturday, first show, I started setting up my shirts right before the headliner, Tim Homayoon got off stage.  Suddenly, I realized one of my shirts had all these red spots. I sell these pink, girly shirts.  I found another shirt with red spots! What the hell? Did a pen break?

Then I looked at my finger and realized I was bleeding!  Holy CRAP!

Tim was coming off in 3 minutes and I had to:

A. Clean the blood off of 2 of my shirts so maybe I could sell them

and

B. Get a band-aid so maybe I wouldn't bleed on everybody while I shook their hands!

The bar staff was busy. I asked for a band-aid and they told me to find Terri, one of the Loony Bin club owners.  But we had a sold out show and a really busy 2nd show.  So, Terri was busy.  The staff was pretty swamped too!

A CREEPY BATHROOM SCENE
I took the bloody shirts to the bathroom & started nonchalantly washing them off. It looks bad when you are washing blood off your merchandise.  As the emcee for the week, Bill Parker pointed out, "It looks really bad when you are washing blood off a couple of pink, girly shirts."

Fictitious conversation:
Q: "What's going on Jake? Who's bloody girly shirt is that?"
A: "They didn't want to get in the van!"

MOIST MERCH
So I washed as much blood as possible out of the shirts. I think I got it all.  But the washed shirts were now sopping wet. The shirts were wet.  I can't sell wet shirts! I set them aside.

As I was rifling through my bag, I saw several more bloody shirts. Maybe I should quit rifling through my bag!  I was spreading the blood!

BACK TO THE POOPROOM
I went back to the bathroom and wrapped a paper towel around my hand.  That helped. I am an Eagle Scout so I know if you are bleeding, you have to put pressure on the wound and you have to wrap it up- so you don't put blood on everything you touch.

DNA IS DNA
I sold a bunch of shirts (just the clean ones).  But people kept looking at my hand. I tried to play it all off. When people shook my hand, I gave them my left hand instead.  I told them they didn't want to touch my good hand. It was dirty. I have something about that in my act, so they believed me.  Of course, that joke is about a different body fluid....  Whatever. DNA is DNA!

So, Bill Parker, the emcee, finally came over and saved the day. He got a band-aid for me.  I left the table and put that on. I cleaned my wound in the bathroom and I band-aided myself.

THE LADIES WHO BUSTED ME

Jake Sharon
wearing his Kick Ass Vest,
hanging out with Boise comedian
Aaron Sheehan
 at Liquid Laughs, Boise, ID

Meanwhile, a few more people tried to buy shirts. Tim Homayoon helped out and rifled through my bag for me.  He has bad vision so he couldn't find the right shirt sizes.

Also, he has bad vision so he didn't see that 5 more shirts still had blood on them!  Uh oh!  I didn't know that either!

I came out, made the sale.

These 2 nice ladies looked at the display model, the shirt I had on the table, and noticed a blotch of blood.  I denied it.  I told them it must be a pen that exploded.  They laughed and walked off.  Glad they thought it was funny.  I am not a good liar.

IN CONCLUSION...
I ended up washing all the infected affected shirts back at the condo.  6 of them turned out okay. 1 of them looked like evidence.  So, I threw that one out!  The rest were all clean & they can be seen happily adorning the boobage of Oklahoma City ladies. :)

As a personal note to myself, I have a ton of pockets in my kick-ass vest.  So, maybe I should start carrying some band-aids in there!

Bye!  I'm Jake!

Generous Promotion

Hi!  I'm Jake!

So, I'm still not famous- but I have been trying a lot of different ways to get people to come to shows.  This entry has 2 new marketing ideas I thought of.  Still measuring the results.  If you're a comedian or a musician and you try either of these ideas, please let me know how they work for you.

1. DONATION PROMOTION:
I am here in Boise, working the Liquid Laughs Comedy Club.  I went out for a walk.  I usually like to load up my i-Pod with a recording of 1 of my recent sets.  I walk until it's done.  Then I come back.  Usually, I get back to my hotel or the condo with at least 1 or 2 ad-libs- & maybe something I can play on my podcast, The Battery Podcast.

Well, on this occasion, I thought: why not walk to the thrift store, too?  I could donate 1 of my CDs.  The first comedy album I ever listened to was George Carlin's "A Place For My Stuff."  I got it at a thrift store.  I became an instant fan.  I must have played that album 42 times!  I also shared it with a ton of my friends.

So, why not let somebody find my CD, "JAke's First Purge?"  They could buy it for a buck or 2 & if they like it, maybe they'll play it for a friend?

2. INVITE THEM OUT:
So, I walked my CD to the thrift store.  I donated the CD.  While I was there, I thought: why not tell the ladies there about the show?  I told them about it & they said they had just heard me on the radio. Cool! I gave them a card.  I told them if they want to see the show, to come on down & use my name.


WHAT I LEARNED:
It's possible nobody will ever buy that CD.  It's probable that those ladies won't come down. However, with minimal effort, I  shared my comedy CD & invited some guests.

Now, to really do this right next time, I'll get the ladies' names & find out which night they can come.  Then I'll call in the comps myself. The easier I make it for these ladies to see the show, the more likely they'll come.

Well, if you try either of these tips, let me know how they work for you.

Thanks,
Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. to check out my CD, "JAke's First Purge," please go to jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com

Skull Fest 2012: Part 3 of 3: The Weird Flashy Light Incident

Hi!  I'm Jake!

If you have been reading my sweet blog this week, then you know on Wednesday competed in a preliminary round of the 2011 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival.  This entry is part 3 of 3.  In Part 1, I talked about how great the Laughing Skull Lounge is. In Part 2, I talked about how every comedy contest is a big old gamble. For this entry, I am focusing specifically on a weird thing that happened during my set. Also, I want to talk about how the contest started off a cool chain of events.

WARNING: Because this is the final entry in this 3-part series, I am doing a lot of wrap-up and whatnot. So, this entry is slightly longer than the other 2. Just be excited that you know how to read.

"GETTING THE LIGHT"
If you read my entries for the 2010 Seattle Competition, then you know that weird things always happen to me during contests. Back then, I had the gum incident.  This time, I had a light incident.

See, whenever you are performing at a comedy club- especially in a contest- it is extremely important to stick to your time.  6 minutes means 6 minutes. It never means 8 minutes.  It doesn't even mean 6:30.  When you have 6 minutes, you do 6 minutes.

QUICK NOTE: I quit wearing a watch in April 2010.  That's also when I quit coffee and I quit weed. I decided I just don't need any of those harmful things in my life anymore.

To make sure comedians stick to their time, comedy clubs often "light" them.  If you've ever been to a pro comedy show, you may have heard a headliner say "Well, you guys are fun, but I got the light so I better start wrapping up."  That means that somewhere in the back of the room, somebody from the club flashed them a light (a pen light, flashlight, spotlight, candle, or big-ass neon sign) indicating they have x amount of time left.  On Wednesday, for example, I had a 6-minute set. Again, they told us in the rules "That does not mean 6:30." They told us if we went 6:30 or more, we'd be disqualified. Yikes.

I carefully planned out my set to stay within the time.  Being as it was a contest set, I mainly stuck to my material- but I always have to riff a little. Contestant #4, TJ Young, one of the Beards of Comedy, had a great bit about how it's hard for Batman to take off his costume and pee.  I was contestant #6. After I did a bit about my son, Batman, I did a call-back to TJ's bit and told the crowd that regardless of his outfit, my goofy son, Batman, pees whenever he's ready- costume or no costume. That was fun.

THE WEIRD FLASHY LIGHT INCIDENT
What wasn't fun is part-way through my set, I noticed a flashing light in the back corner of the room. Uh oh! No way!  I thought I had only done 2 or 3 minutes so far! Crap! I know I had dinked around a bit, but there was no way I had a minute left! Crap! Maybe I do need to wear a watch! Crap crap!

On the outside, I kept composure.  On the inside, my heart started speeding up. My performance sped up ever so slightly too.  I still had a lot to get to before I left the stage.

Here's the thing: the light was flashing, flash flash flash flash flashing! When you see a solid light, that's a calm "start wrapping up" warning.  When somebody repeatedly flashes a light, that means "get off the stage you disrespectful amateur!"

I had to figure this out quick.  I made a game time decision.  This may have been the wrong choice, but I figured since the light was already flashing like crazy, and since I was already way the frack over, I was already screwed. So, I might as well finish strong. I decided to keep on trucking

First things first, I had to fix my set. During my internal freakout, I veered off plan; I did material I didn't plan on doing and I skipped a bunch of material I had planned on doing.  Whoops! No biggie; the switched material worked. Everybody was still having fun. All was good.  However, for just a second, I forgot what was next and I accidentally plugged my website, jakeisfantastic.com . Really, Jake????!!! This is a contest! 6 precious minutes and you're doing commercials?  Crap! Maybe try selling shirts too!

By the way, I had plugged my website once in a contest set before- back in the 2010 Seattle Competition.  I was having a decent set, saw the light- and instead of wrapping up I plugged my website. Lame! Why does this keep happening?

That light was still flashing. Man, the light guy is persistent! The website plug had actually gotten a pretty decent response so I decided I should probably go. Just as I was about to leave the stage, I saw the real light, a big red circle.  Great.  All that thinking for nothing!  Dang it! I hate it when I think!

But the light was a second chance.  I just enough time to end big. I ended on the closer I planned on ending on, got a really good response and left the stage.

WINNERS

So you probably want to know who moved on that night.  That's cool.

CONTEST SUMMARY: HOORAY
So, I didn't move on in the contest.  Shut up. I still had a really fun time, though.  I enjoyed my set.  I like a little chaos.

A lot of great things happened that night too: The $20 free meal my girlfriend scored. I performed in an awesome room to an awesome crowd. I met a bunch of cool comics at the club. I finally met Noah Gardenswartz. We'd been chatting on facebook.  We know a lot of the same people. I got to hang out with some guys I already knew like Tushar Singh, Josh Gondelman, TJ Young, Celeste Echols,- and many many more!  People are neat.

It was just a fun trip. My girl and I got to travel to Atlanta.  I drove a sweet, pimped out, GMC SUV rental car.  My girlfriend didn't even make me listen to country music the whole time!  Thanks, baby!  I love you, but I hate your crappy taste in music!

FINE
Okay, I'll tell you about 1 of the winners: Mia Jackson owned that round. I had met her before during last year's Skull Fest and last year's Laugh Your Asheville Off Comedy Festival.  She had done well then, but she crushed this Wednesday! After her set, everybody knew she would advance.  

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SHOWCASE
Whether you are getting ready for a TV set, a contest set, or just showcasing to get in with a new club, it's always good to work on your current showcase set. As my equestrian girlfriend always reminds me, "It's miles in the saddle, Jake."  She's right: the more you work your showcase set, the less pressure you will feel when you are on the spot.

Yesterday, Friday, January 6th, I did a guest set at Sidesplitters Comedy Club in Knoxville, Tennessee. I ended up doing pretty much the exact same set I used for the contest. I even did the website plug again!  Of course, a guest set actually is a good time to market yourself.  Get them to come back when you are doing your week at the club and you can show the club manager that you can draw a crowd.

The point is, a contest set is a great prelude to a guest set. My Sidesplitters guest set was a breeze. I was loose.  I was high energy.  My set was tight, no filler. Honestly, it was super easy.  As the audience filed out of the showroom, they were giving me high-fives, handshakes, and good-jobs in front of the manager. The manager, Bridgette gave me kudos, and told me how to contact her so I can get booked.

As a side bonus, the Sidesplitter comedians were really fun too.  The host, Alex Stokes, told me about a show he he wants to book me to do. Co-headliners  James Sibley and Rahn Hortman were both super cool too. They gave me their contact info.  We're going to do some networking.

By the way, that's how I get almost all my work: networking. Networking got me the Sidesplitters guest set. I had done a showcase at the Columbus Funnybone last fall. Comedian Ian Gutoskie and I hit it off.  He told me how great Sidesplitters was, told me who to talk to, and even texted Bridgette to help me get a set there.  I owe you one, Ian!

A GREAT WEEK
All in all, as this subheading indicates, I had a great week!  I headlined a show, met a bunch of cool comics, took my girl to a couple different states, put cash in the bank, and got in with another comedy club. 2012 is going to be my best comedy year yet.  Then, when the apocalypse comes, we will all die.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. Before the apocalypse comes, check out my new CD, "JAke's First Purge!"  You can find it at jakeisfantastic.com, on itunes, or download it in any format for any price you choose at jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com

Skull Fest 2012, Part 2 of 3: Contests Are a Gamble

Hi!  I'm Jake!

If you're reading my blog, then you know this is part 2 of 3 about my 2012 Laughing Skull Comedy Festival experience.  Or, you don't know that, and you should check out part 1 first and then read this entry.  Or read this part first and read the other entry afterwards. It's really up to you. I trust your judgment- for now...

Anyhow,  this Wednesday, January 4, 2012, I did my 1st contest set of the year.  As I explained in my other entry, "Skull Fest 2012, Part 1 of 3: The Laughing Skull Lounge, the Perfect Room"
the Laughing Skull Lounge did all they could on their end to make sure all of us contestants had a successful show. WARNING: There is a twist below, but for the most part, they took care of us.

So, now that we know the club did what they could to make the show a success, this blog entry is mostly about what happened on my end.

CONTESTS ARE A GAMBLE
One of the reasons contestants always feel a bit of pressure in any comedy contest is they are literally gambling with their time and money.  Comedians put their time and money on then line in hopes of winning something bigger: cash- and more importantly, paid work from anybody important who sees them at the festival.

Last year when I did the Skull Fest, I gambled the following:

• I paid a $35 entry fee
• I took a night off gigging to do a preliminary round in Seattle.
• I took a week off work to go to the festival in Atlanta.
• I turned down 2 weeks' of work at the Loony Bin Comedy Clubs. I lost out on both the pay from the club and a whole bunch of potential merchandise sales.
• I got a hotel that cost me a few hundred dollars.
• I got a flight that cost a few hundred dollars. 
• I spent $100 on food for the week.

In short, you could say I gambled around $1500 to do the 2011 Laughing Skull Festival.

This year, fortunately, I was kind of  in the area to do the preliminary round. So, my expenses included:

• $35 on the contest entry fee.
• $60 on my rental car.
• $75 on gas to and from Asheville, NC
• $5 for parking.
• A $20 meal for my girlfriend and me.
• 1 night off doing paid gigs to do the contest instead.

In short, this year, I gambled around $195- plus any gigs I could have gotten instead of doing the contest.

PROBLEM WITH THE RENTAL CAR
As you probably figured out, I am not the smoothest operator.  I tend to screw things up frequently.  Being as I had flown from Texas to North Carolina to do all the gigs and showcases I have here, I needed to find cheap transportation to Atlanta. Flying would be $200. A bus would be $100-ish. A Craigslist Rideshare might only be $50.  A rental car was $55 plus gas.

I called Enterprise Rental Car to make a reservation.  They told me it would be $34 for the car and $20 for their insurance- which I should always get. One time I rented a car because somebody had totaled mine. I was on a budget so I didn't get the insurance. As I was pulling the rental car out of the parking lot behind my apartment,  I scratched my rental car against my totaled car.  A 2-inch scratch cost me $300! Crap!

So the rental car was $55. Cool.  I made the reservation. Then, just  out of curiosity, I checked to see how much it would be on Priceline.  It was $33 plus only $11 for the insurance.  So I got that instead.  Turns out the PRiceline insurance is not the same as the "You can run our car into a pole and have a pee fight in the back seat and not owe us any extra money" Enterprise insurance.  So, I ended up spending $34 on the car, $11 on Priceline insurance, and $20 on Enterprise insurance.  So, basically I good-dealed myself into spending $66 instead of Enterprise's $55. Good job, Jake!

Here's where the real problem happened: Like most car rental agencies, Enterprise wants the money for the rental - plus - a $100 hold on your credit card. Well, both my credit cards are pretty much maxed out right now.  I had enough on 1 card for the rental, but not enough for both the rental and the deposit.  I had money in the bank, but I couldn't use my debit card because Enterprise requires all these extra documents (your heating bill, a bank statement, your birth certificate, your wiener print, etc.) on all  debit transactions.

I called Chase to see if I could make a payment on the phone.  Even though it was only 12:45 in the afternoon, they said any payments would post the following day.  They could take my money but I couldn't spend it. Crap!

Demetris, our guy at the Enterprise Asheville (located at 579 Tunnel Road, Asheville, NC) found a solution: he lowered the deposit for us and I was able to rent the car- with $2 to spare!!! Thanks, Demetris!  Also, I had paid for the economy car, but we ended up getting hooked up with a pimped out GMC SUV.  It was a sweet ride with a bunch of USB holes, power everything, and a rearview camera to help when I was backing up. :)

Demetris had talked about my new comedy CD, JAke's First Purge (available at jakeisfantastic.com) and he said he was going to buy it and download it. Needless to say, after his amazing customer service, I gave him the CD. You should check out that CD too!

CAR RENTAL UPDATE: TELL THE MANAGER
My girlfriend is a really positive influence on me.  Every time we get great service, she calls the manager over and tells them how great our server or whomever was.  If you get good service, you too can tell the manager.  Usually the manager just hears complaints.  Any time somebody actually gives them a compliment about 1 of their workers, that's job insurance.

Today, I just called Enterprise to tell them how great Demetris is.  I also told them how I talked about how great Enterprise is on my blog and in a google review. The manager said he'd put all that in his file.  I was glad to hear that. Demetris did a great job and I hope things keep going great for him over there.

FREE DINNER/ THE PERFECT ROAD CHICK
"In the 5 minutes I was gone from supper to go pee, my girl joked w/ a stranger and he slipped her $20 so she could "buy a drink." #WTF?"
-twitter.com/jakeisfantastic

I took my girlfriend, epilepsy advocate, seizuretheday.org blogger Callie Fagg with me to Atlanta.  She's 1 of the rare girlfriends that is actually good to take on the road.  She's low-maintenance and everybody who meets her instantly likes her.

In fact, if you follow me on twitter, then you know that she met some strangers on Wednesday.  We were sitting there at Atlanta's The Vortex Midtown , the restaurant that encapsulates the Laughing Skull Lounge.  My stomach had been acting up all day.  It rumbled like a steel mill.

Thinking my stomach issues had something to do with my nerves instead of whatever we had eaten the night before, Callie told me something encouraging about the contest.  She told me I always do well at regular shows.  I should treat this show like a regular show, not a contest.  Good thoughts.  She is a smart cookie.

However, I think I had a legitimate, non psychological stomach issue.  My butt bakery had been cranking out cookie dough plops all day.

The 5 minutes I was gone to the restroom, Callie had made friends with the table next to her.  It was a bunch of 50-year-old guys on a retreat from their wives.  They had been cracking wise, calling their ringleader a gay. One of them had said something about how one of their crew should buy a round for the rest of them.  Callie said something about how they should send something over to her table or something.  Honestly, I am screwing this part of the story up.  Callie was there.  Hit her up on twitter at twitter.com/seizuretheday and ask her about it.

All I know is in the 5 minutes I was in the bathroom, she joked around with these guys about getting a free drink or something and she called 1 of them a homosexual.  When I came back, 1 of them had slipped her a twenty-dollar-bill and told her to buy herself a round.  I go away for 5 minutes and she scores us free dinner!  Man, I love this woman!

If you are curious, she had a 9-inch Vortex hot dog and I had a tossed salad bowl.  We both felt dirty.

TO BE CONTINUED...
Well, I initially said this Skull Fest series was a 2-part-er.  Turns out I have 1 more big twist to talk about.  So, now, this is a 3-part-er.  Here's that link to part 1 again. Join me tomorrow as I finish this up!

UPDATE: Here's a link to Part 3,  "Skull Fest 2012: Part 3 of 3: The Weird Flashy Light Incident"

Bye!  I'm Jake!

P.S. My new CD, JAke's First Purge is available on itunes, jakeisfantastic.bandcamp.com, and jakeisfantastic.com (among other places)...

P.P.S. Go #skullfest!